So I bought a Mac the other day. I don't really know why. I just woke up, checked my email, got a blue screen of death and grabbed my keys and wallet and hopped into the car. My hands were shaking in anticipation of getting a fix of something new.

I've always been an Apple fan, and my first computer was an Apple IIc with a 300 baud modem. Since then I haven't used anything Apple besides an iPod, which I can't live without... But I have a horrible secret. Ever since I got my first iPod a few years ago as a gift, it started drawing me closer and closer into the world of all things Apple.

It started off innocently enough; reading about the new shit they were releasing and hearing news about all the cool things the other side had to offer. It all just looked so intriguing and better. I started following all the new product releases, and found myself on the Apple store website unconsciously looking at all the shiny white things. If I was ever in a mall I couldn't resist walking into the Apple store and touching everything with my grubby little hands. Next thing I know I'm talking to people about Apple this and Apple that. Everyone I talked to who used a Mac told me that once you go Mac you never go back.

Then I started watching all of Steve's keynotes. This is where things started to get really bad. It's gotten to the point where I can't think of anything else but watching the next keynote as soon as it is announced. What magic is Steve going to show us next? Is he going to release a product that will end world hunger and stop all war? It's like he's talking directly to me sometimes, and I even like his jokes! I swear he's sending me subconscious signals from his third eye telling me to buy a Mac. It's like I'm part of some ancient Shao-Lin temple and Steve is the wise old teacher with the most powerful kung-fu. When I watch the keynotes I feel like I'm part of a group of ravenous tech fanatics... or some kind of... cult. Watching him up there on stage in his jeans and black mock-turtleneck, is tantamount to how old people love watching the pope spew his bullshit. And I eat it all up and it makes me feel all warm inside.

He gets up there and delivers this sermon on how things are getting better and how bright and shiny and futuristic the future will be... and I just fucking buy into it, man! I really do. This fucking MacBook I got is just one hell of a piece of hardware. The attention to detail is just phenomenal, from the curved keys, magnetic power cord that just snaps in place to charge your laptop, and the illuminated keyboard... it's a fucking technophiles wet dream.

Steve Jobs is like the father I never had. Seriously. I think everyone buys a Mac for only a handful of reasons:

1) They secretly want Steve sexually and think that by having one of his sleek and stylish computers it will increase their sense of perverse closeness to Him.

2) They lacked a positive father figure in their youth and by being part of Apple culture, Steve is like the father they never had or wished they had.

3) They have too much money and just like buying pretty things.

4) They are drawn to the cult of personality that surrounds Steve, as he is like a swami of modern tech.

5) They're sick of Windows for all the right reasons, plus Bill Gates is a major fag. Have you seen this guy? I just watch him on TV and can't believe I'm giving this guy my money. The richest guy in the world should be able to afford some fucking better clothes! The dude has a fucking haircut that I had when I was in grade five! He's like the fucking hall monitor nerd in school that everyone used to beat up. Start lifting some fucking weights or something, dude! You look like such a loser! Try some acid or some some pot or something. Steve did!

I don't really know what category I fall into. All I know is that when I open my closet there is a picture of Steve on the wall, surrounded by candles and incense and a gold plate where I put my offerings. I can't wait to get an iPhone... and then shove it up my ass.