I like to play a game where I see how long I can go without masturbating. I always lose, though. Being a chronic masturbator has its drawbacks, and running a filthy website makes it even harder to resist the urge to fondle the ol' cock 'n balls. When your job is to look at dead babies, bloated corpses and three hundred pound black women with pancake tits the size of a small child, sex is always on the mind. Well, at least in my case.

A few weeks ago I was watching some classy European sodomy ass to mouth (to ass) porn, when upon a penile upstroke I somehow managed to tear the skin of my most delicate part, which resulted in a nasty wound (even though it's the size of a pea, any wound on your dick is cause for despair). So I figured that I would go a few days without jackin' myself into a frenzy, and it would heal and all would be said and done. This was the first time I tried to conciously make an effort not to jack off, and let me tell you, it's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do in my life.

I can usually last around 72 hours before that strange desire takes hold of me, and my balls feel heavy and swollen with millions of baby Stile's ready to pop out. So I get out the box of kleenex and lube myself up with some kind of liquid (note to self: toothpase does not feel good on open wounds). I turn on the old porno machine (read: internets) and surf over to whatever site is offering the current fetish I'm into. Lately it's been strictly deaf cheerleaders, but that's a whole other story. So once I get done with the deed, I curse myself for being such a wimp and only lasting a few days, and the throbbing of my open penile wound reminds me that like most people, I'm addicted to masturbation. I think since I turned 13 and discovered how to masturbate on my Bar Mitzvah (that's a whole other story unto itself; thanks again Rabbi Shmultz!) I've gone every single fucking day jackin' it until I got a serious penile chaffe a while ago.

Today was a special occasion, as I have gone four days without abusing myself. I decided to give in to temptation, and put on some delicious video of a gorgeous young blonde that just turned 18, and decided that going into porn was the best choice for her future, and began to jack myself silly. So I'm sitting in my porn chair, watching the screen when that funny tickle happens, and I knew she was about to blow.

Thick spurts of milky jizz started shooting out of my tirgid member, and without even realizing what was happening, the next thing I knew I had gobs of my own schmeck all over my face, dribbling down my chin, and sadly, in my left eye. Now I don't think that I've gone four days without masturbating my entire life, so the amount of cum that came out was extremely impressive. The fucking dick just kept spurting and spurting, and halfway through I remember wondering when, if ever, it would stop.

I've always felt a little sorry for female porn stars, because they always look so uncomfortable when their face is painted white by something that comes out where you pee. That and the fact that they more often that not have to suck their own shit juices off some guy's herpes dick for a few hundred bucks. You all know that 'get me a fucking towel' look they always have at the end of the scene that I'm talking about. I guess I never really quite understood how fucking nasty jizz was until I took one for the team, albeit accidentally, this morning.

Now if I didn't feel embarassed enough when I went to go get a towel, I just had to torture myself even more and looked in the mirror, and when I saw the copius amounts of cum on my face (we're talking Peter North levels here), it was then and there that I felt embarassed for myself. Not because I was a grown man who just gave himself a facial (which is bad enough), and not because I looked like some gay 70s porn star with male pattern baldness and a gut that would make Ron Jeremy jealous, but because my fucking left eye and eyeball were covered in the future Mrs. Stile's favorite snack... AND THAT SHIT BURNS! After drowning my face and eye in water for 15 minutes I think I finally got it all out, but now I look like I fucking have pink eye. Who knew that masturbation could be so damn dangerous? I have the battle scars to prove it.

Stay tuned for my next article on how I shit my pants while driving home on the highway and had to sit in my own stink for an hour in rush hour traffic. And I'm not talking about a little bit of shit, either. I'm talking about large amounts of brown pushing their way over the elastic waistband of my underwear. Even I was impressed.