I've been doing this website for over eight years now, and I'm really burnt out from it. Looking at decapitated bodies, abortions and sodomy all day just wears you down after a while, and it just gets to the point where you want to do anything non-internet and non-porn related in your day to day life to get away from it all. You just feel dirty looking at torn up fifty year old assholes all day... So a few weeks ago I started gardening. Gardening is pretty much the anti-porn.

It really is a great way to relieve stress and depression. There's just something about digging around in the dirt and making some cool shit grow out of it that seems kind of appealing to me. I just feel so fucking wholesome after. It's really relaxing planting stuff in the sun, that in a few months will grow into tasty things. Recently I planted a small vegetable patch and some trees in the backyard, and spent a while digging the patch and putting some good quality top soil on there...

So anyhow, a few days ago I went to the depot to buy some earth and mulch. On the way out I noticed there was a nail manicure place next to the depot, and since my hands and nails were blackened and caked with dirt from digging all day and needed to be cut anyhow, I said fuck it and decided to get a manicure and pedicure. I've never gotten one done before and to be honest with you I was kinda nervous thinking that I'd be the only guy in there and would get laughed at.

I was actually surprised how enjoyable the experience was. I swore that I would never tell a living soul that I got a manicure, but what happened was just too surreal not to share. Once you walk in, you sit in a massage chair and they put your feet in a whirlpool thing and they have some hilariously cheesy Korean pop bands playing on the TV that kept me laughing the whole time. Surprisingly there were a bunch of redneck trucker guys in there as well, getting manicures and pedicures, so I didn't feel like a complete fag. I kinda felt like I was in brokeback mountain for a few seconds when I walked in though, since I expected it to be all hot soccer moms... but I guess that's what you get for having an Asian manicure place right next to Garden Depot and Lou's Truck Stop.

So this little Asian lady starts filing and buffing my nails and shit. Then she starts scraping my feet with this sandpaper shit, which tickled unlike anything I've ever experienced before in my life, and I was laughing so fucking loud from it. After they're done scraping, cutting, filing and buffing, they massage your feet and hands which feels great, especially for someone that spends all day typing and has sore hands after.

Out of nowhere Ling-Ling (as her nametag said) asks "You want wax?" and I didn't know what she meant at first. She starts making some hand motions to her chest and was like "chest wax?" and I thought she was joking and thought it was so absurd that I started laughing at her. She kept saying "You girl will like!" and when I realized she was serious, I asked her if it hurt and she said not at all. What the fuck did I know? I've been seen someone lately and thought she might like it.

I was in a rush and asked how long it would take and she said ten minutes so I said "Sure, I guess..." Ling-Ling then motioned for me to follow her into the back and kept repeating that it was "Very fast! No pain!"

Lying fucking whore.

Next thing I know I'm lying on some table thing with my shirt off, and I have a LOT of fucking chest hair. I mean it's dark and long and thick (like my cock), and it seems that all the hair that used to be on my head migrated there. She started using this handheld plastic thing filled with hot wax, and just having her put the wax on my chest hurt, man. The hot wax pulling on the hair while she pressed this plastic thing into my chest felt like someone was slowly ripping off a band-aid. I have no idea how women go through this shit, and quite frankly I never even thought about it until now and quite frankly could give a shit about other peoples pain.

Then she puts the piece of paper on it and pulls, and I wasn't expecting the intense searing pain that was about to be unleashed on my body. I honestly fucking screamed as loud as I have ever screamed before. All of a sudden I had a flashback to the 40 Year Old Virgin, when he gets his chest waxed, and realized what a stupid fucking idiot I was. I'm no pussy and can deal with my own fair share of pain, but this was just too fucking much. I had to take a break after like 2 strips because it honestly hurt so much. My chest hair is pretty long I guess, and it took 30 minutes to do my whole chest. And I was SCREAMING... at the top of my fucking lungs.

"FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"JESUS FUCKKKKKKKKKK!!! CHRISTTTTTT!!!!!!"

I clenched my fists every time I felt a piece of the paper being pushed onto the wax, expecting that the pain would dissipate with each strip. How wrong I was... My nipples started fucking bleeding, and I'm just lying there with tears coming out of my eyes, blood pouring out of my man tits and some chick ripping hair out of my chest. This was seriously a form of the most depraved and inhumane torture. My eyes were watering like someone rubbed Tabasco in them. I started getting light headed and fading in and out of consciousness, each time the sound of the wax being ripped off my flesh and clumps of hair being pulled out made me lose consciousness for a few moments.

I tried to find my happy place and pictured myself on a tropical beach in the Caribbean, but that fucking sadistic bitch and the feeling of my skin being ripped off jolted me back to reality. My entire chest was as red as a lobster and little drops of blood were forming out of each pore. Half of my chest was bruised and purple, and I was ready to get up and run out when she said she was done. I'm never doing that again. EVER.

...And then out of nowhere she asks "You want downstairs wax?" and I'm like "HELL FUCKING NO."

Then she says "I give you free cut!" and pulls my fucking pants down and underwear down in one solid swoop and starts trimming my fucking pubic hair with the tiniest pair of scissors I've ever seen in my life. Before I even had a chance to react she was fucking going at it like Vidal Sassoon or some shit. I was just in shock at this point from the pain of the chest wax. All these endorphins kicked in and I was totally out of it from the pain, like someone just injected me with Valium, then after she finished trimming my pubes (which looked phenomenal after, actually, I highly recommend it), she starts rubbing lotion all over my chest (my pants are still around my knees at this point) and she starts rubbing the lotion all over my stomach...

...then goes down...

...down...

...further down...

...and starts fucking rubbing it on my cock, and totally starts jerking me off. I was just lying there like "Holy shit!" She started rubbing my nipples and chest and jerking me off as hard and fast as she could. It was fucking crazy! This little lady had more power in her wrist than I did! She was going at it like a fucking jack hammer and told me to spooge all over her fucking face!

After I came she looked at me and winked and said "Next time use mouf!" which I believe translates into her offering me a blow job if I ever came back. I didn't know what to say. What is the proper etiquette to follow after you just dumped a load all over someone's face that you only met a few minutes ago? Are you supposed to leave a tip?

This chick wasn't that hot, but Jesus she knew how to fucking jerk off a dick! She totally came outta left field with that one. Talk about a fucking happy ending! It was crazy, she was practically raping me, staring at me with such hungry eyes... and while I was getting dressed, she starts groping me and feeling my cock through my pants and shit, and kept repeating that she'd use her "mouf" next time, and I'm just laughing my ass off, stoned off endorphins, I walk out of the room wondering if anyone heard my screams of pain and wondered just what the fuck went on in there.

This was some fucking S&M shit right there. Fuck the whips and chains, all you need is to have your hair ripped out of your body and then have a stranger jerk off your ballsack. I got home and jumped into the shower to wash the rub'n'tug AIDS off my body, when I looked in the mirror and saw that my chest looked like a civil war wound, and swore to myself that I would never get a chest wax again.

At least until I get really lonely and want some hot mouf sex.

rustynail writes: ive gone to a couple massage parlors aka brothels and all i can say is that those asians can do things with their hands that almost makes pussy obsolete. one girl used some warm oil and all sorts of ancient secretes on my cock, she even was massaging my asshole while she was pumping away. i try to hold back and get my moneys worth but fuck its impossible not to cum after like a minute of that shit. did you tip her well? thats probably what she was trying to get saying all that mouth stuff for next time.